Awake but still not

As the tide of the weekend ebbs and the shores of the weekday begin to reappear, a familiar melancholy begins to consume me. The virgin rays of the pubescent sun try to pierce through my blinds and yank me out of my sweet restorer. A familiar groan emanates from me, as I battle the space and time paradigm to prepare myself for the hours and days ahead. The automobile rumbles and slides precariously on the curb, sliding as a knife would on soft butter. A slight trepidation rises, but is pushed aside since the enemy is gaining upon fast. A furious thirty-minute battle ensures, much of it is horrifying; Traffic controls that are broken, and moments of death that approach but are flung afar. After the dust settles, I pause to catch my bearing. I have arrived victorious to begin the battle of the weekday.

Motivation finds itself lost in the shallow waters of despondency this morning. I beseech the mind to function, I yearn it to pear through mounts of data, I check the logs tied on my back and realize their weight and make a mental note to give them my attention. Time alas is a powerful enemy and has beaten me on many a battles. He wins again, laughs at me with his powerful stride. I am to play by his rules, his dictates, and his laws. I do not make efforts to fight the clock, but merely adjust to its omnipotent presence. Today is dissimilar. I feel defeat lurking around the corner.

The midday arrives and quickly retreats. Barely staying for moments few. Wishes for it to stay longer are disregarded. I force the mind to focus on the tasks at hand. I am overwhelmed. A barrage of tasks, some easy, some difficult and some uncanny are attended to. I fleetingly pause to wish a better subsistence upon myself. I wish to be visited by my friend, motivation. I desperately want him to call upon me. To take me on a festive journey where I discover the true powers of potential. My friend has become less of a friend and more of an absent acquaintance. What are the allures that I should present for him to brighten my day and descend on me? Should I challenge who I am within, and mold the self into what society demands. Should I tear apart the mask that shields the world from the true self? Should I peer inside to perceive that true self and check to ascertain if the true self even resembles the impressions of it that exist in the mind.

You are not a friend, dear motivation. I want to find you and yet find myself alone. I trash at the throes of life, of this day, of my existence. I do it knowing that the battle will be lost. Perhaps its time for me to remind myself of the lost love of every individual’s life, dream. Yes, I too was in love with my dream. The fire within burned with passion. It burned a fiery red. The warmth was enough to encourage motivation to visit. Dream, Motivation and I, we danced often. But lately, my dream, my passionate lover has ebbed into the darkness inside. Sure, I sporadically do call upon her, perhaps use her for my self-seeking motives, but I do not commit to her. I do not commit because I fear, I fear the world and all that it demands. I cannot commit to her, because I have neglected her so much that I do not know if we are well suited anymore. I still love her. I still care about her. But is she my priority in life? She is not.

Motivation has not left me. He has been missing because of my neglect of my precious dream. As long as I do not commit, he will not revisit. Realization dawns upon me as a feeling of fear rises. A knot forms in the stomach and stays there ominously. The path ahead is cloudy and the future hidden. The dance of the day draws to a shattering close. All that is lost within is lost for another day. The tide rises again. The clock draws to a close. The clock has won, and I have lost this day. I fought it with no weapons. Motivation was my weapon and today, he was missing. I sullenly retreat into the familiar darkness of the night. Tomorrow will be another fight. The heart makes wishes for my friend to be by my side. The never-ending battle will be fought again at the stroke of daylight. Whether the mind and body allows it, I will be there.


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